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By Susie Metrick

Coffees with Carlye have taken a new turn this month with topic-centered discussions. Last week, we offered a conversation for Parents of Girls, and this week we hosted a good turnout for the Parents of Boys. When invited to write an article for the Freep, I thought I would take the opportunity to reflect on these talks, and share some related research and resources.

As one would expect given our differentiation of the two genders through separate coffees, different themes were raised. Parents of girls seemed to be most concerned about relationship foibles, peer pressure, clothing and fashion, and self-assertiveness. Parents of boys discussed the role of sports (including athletic prowess, interest in team sports, and competitiveness), violence and aggression, and how to connect with boys beyond verbal conversation.

These themes are very much reflected in parent literature and developmental research about gender differences. Research suggests that girls and boys differ socially from the very beginning. Girl infants establish and maintain eye contact for much longer periods of time than their boy counterparts. While boy babies frequently meet the eyes of their caregivers, they look away and back with greater frequency. As they grow older and begin to develop friendships with other children, girls make friendships that are based on relatedness, reciprocation, and conversation. As a result, girls begin to struggle with hurt feelings, miscommunications, and broken confidences at a much earlier age. Boys' friendships are activity-based and focused on shared experiences. Their struggles are more likely to be performance-oriented and physical in nature.

There were also many similarities between the two conversations. Parents clearly want their children to be able to defy gender stereotypes and to stand up for themselves in a society that may have different values. Many of our children are aware that the values at school and the culture at large are at odds sometimes, and struggle to manage the changing expectations. Others notice that there is a pressure to conform here as well, albeit to different standards. Another commonality was the perceived need to strike a balance between honoring children for who they are, including their gender identity, and wanting to offer them models that help them grow and change.

In order to help parents manage these complex and challenging concerns, I have assembled a list of suggested readings that are available on the website. I would also like to encourage those parents who were interested in establishing regular get-togethers with each other to persevere in making it happen. From personal experience, I think it is wonderfully supportive and reassuring to process your concerns with another adult who knows you and your child, possesses many of the same values, and may have experienced a similar phenomenon. There were also some other ideas expressed during the coffees about lessons we could offer, as well as suggestions about certain resources and experiences that might be helpful. I will count on you to let me know your needs and priorities. Thank you for adding your voices and experiences to our morning gatherings!

Check out Susie's list of suggested reading on the topic of gender.